I gave up today.
And then, I got really mad. I got really mad that I can’t get help because the people who live near us and are able won’t actually help, because they have more important things, like dogs. I got really mad and I threw things around and broke things until I ran out of energy to give up and then I laid down. I laid down and I cried, and I’ll cry again later, when you’re angry that my phone is broken and shout more about it than your broken wife, because you don’t talk to me. Maybe I’ll get angry about that when I give up tomorrow. I just wanted to write this so I could say “Fuck you, Me.”
This is what bacon looks like lying asleep in your bed about nine or ten months before it’s even ready to eat. Yes, it’s got a diaper wrapped around his weenis so he can’t tiddle in my bed.
I don’t think this drug is working out. It’s great for my nerve pain, but it’s terrible for my brain. My brain is vomiting into itself. It’s not even racing thoughts, it’s just radio static and noise and random bits of information until I can’t function. I’m sweating and I’m cold and I want to vomit and my brain is going nonstop in the background, bluebirds, coffee, pi, crying, shouting, astrology, and everything is angry and irritated and I want to scrape off my skin until the feeling of needing to crawl out of it goes away. I can only shower so many times in one day. I can’t thought-stop brain vomit. Thinking of neutral factoids just makes it spew more vomit. My head is on fire and the buzzing won’t stop. Fuck you, amitryptilline, for actually getting rid of my pain while causing this. “Give it a little more time to give the side effects a chance to go away.” I’m at my limit. I can’t, anymore. I just can’t. If I keep on with it, I’m afraid I’ll end up drying out in a psych ward while being told I’m AMA because I don’t need the shit replaced with a new drug, I just need to not be on psych meds for pain, since the psych meds cause y’know… pyschotic things… as they’re wont to do when unnecessary.
So, I’m really freaking glad that FFXI doesn’t have some trophy shit like PlayStation games do that I would have ridiculously tied to my Facebook profile so that everyone could bask in my awesome nerdiness. I think about this every time I see some trophy shared that would have taken a significant amount of time/effort to achieve.
I managed to figure out why my computer was crashing roughly every hour. The motioninjoy drivers I’d been using so that I could play FFXI with my dualshock 3 controller were responsible. I ditched them in favor of some SCP DS3 driver set, but sadly, it won’t let me map the L2/R2 buttons on the controller for FFXI, since it doesn’t recognize the z-axis… even though they work. The posting that accompanied the drivers said the guy was looking into a workaround, and that was posted a few months back, so here’s hoping it’s in an upcoming update. I currently have them mapped to L3/R3, which means no /heal and no change camera view… so I mapped those to start/select, which means no logout button and no button to get rid of GUI for screenshots… it’s a lesser of evils situation for the mapping… but the main problem is that I’m so used to my previous mapping that I can’t remember to hit start to lock/unlock targets…
Now that I’m not crashing randomly, I’m out of excuses for avoiding salvage and dynamis. Yay, dynamis! Maybe instead of avoiding it altogether, I should just go in and leave when I get bored. Then, I’m getting at least some currency versus none. I just… feel so burnt out on it, and the thought of going and doing it two hours a day every day just kills. It’s such a massive, literal time sink, and even moreso when combined with the list of other things I’d like to do on a daily basis. I have a lot of spare time, but not that much. I need to get a rotating schedule going. On Mondays, I procrastinate…
This is a test of the tumblr crossposting plugin to make sure I haven’t somehow screwed it up….
Holy shit I could randomly publish posts about what I’m doing in game, since I don’t much want to post about RL shit anymore, and wouldn’t this be the most boring, nerdy blog ever? 😛
I sort of feel like I’ve lost my direction in game. I have so many things I’d like to do to catch up and now having logged in today without a linkshell, it seems a tad overwhelming… at least when I think about random pick up after random pick up group, ha! Does anyone truly enjoy pick up groups? I guess I’ll be focusing more on what I can accomplish solo until I figure out where I’d like to be established again.
Ideally, I’d like to get together the drama-less people from the old LS, but I don’t see that succeeding. I’m sure the stronger personalities will have all gone their own way by now. Then again, I’d really just like an excuse to use this domain for something other than storing my random bullshit. Huzzah for still holding onto the original Ephrine linkshell?
Oh well. There’s always unity chat? (Seriously when did everything become so antisocial?)
I used to have a blog once upon a time, but I got tired of pretending that I was going to post to it regularly and deleted it. Now, I figure I’ll just leave this here and post to it when I feel like, making no promises for regular posts. That should suffice, right? I promise to post irregularly, when I feel like it, or not at all.